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Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight.Meet me at the market near the mosque at with your equipment." "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator." A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing." Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there? Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent!But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'" A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year? We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist.The theater's manager was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the musicians if any could conduct.None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the train to London. " "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..." A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week! " It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. " The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage.Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!
The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog. "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. " Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. "This one's ,000 and the other is ,000." the clerk said. Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. " The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens! She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The conductor knew for certain that there was no train to London. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing! " A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets? Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk.The assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about ready to demand their money back. by Donn Laurence Mills If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. " The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. " "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. " All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets! Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! " The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! " A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week! It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block." Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. " "Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient. While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. It was the bottom of the , having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD., Management Consultants To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra Re: Schubert's Symphony No. After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations: Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble."Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have to lose? " However, right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. There's another one in the back room for ,000." "Holy moly! " "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'." A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite! "Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). " "Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise." For techniques, Ms. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (! most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan." It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it.